Tears roll down my cheeks, Dripping into the chasms of despair that I am standing over. Loneliness takes its grip once more. Where is the pain relief that is meant to help? My mind takes me to the tranquil places where we used to walk, Memories so dear, the thought of being with you breaks my heart. Sobbing my only embrace, a time has now passed, Once again I am my best and worst friend. There will always be a place reserved for you in my heart, Nothing can remove the time we spent laughing and walking amongst the creation of the God of all. The moments spent in your arms like the most precious stars of heaven. Pain is a sharp knife that cuts and stabs to the core of my being, Twisting around and around, each incision more painful than the last. Let me lay my head in your lap Father, I am out of strength. All I can do is cry and reflect on the past. I grimly set my face toward the future and the hope it may hold. I beat on the door of healing, my fists bloody and bruised Let me in, let me taste your sweet liquid... The fountain of hope and joy withheld from me for a while, The flames of refinement melting and blistering my tired flesh. How much more is there left to go? I want to fly from this pain inducing existence and know the joy that is promised. Keep me holding on Father, never let me go from your presence, From now on until Eternity I want to serve you in your Royal courts. I may not understand but I know there is no other way. I have to trust you You are God, the I Am...
I know of your love, yet I feel empty, my stomach is sick with a vacuum eating away at my peace. Scars deface my body as a release of darkest depression. I don't doubt your love, without it I would have no hope at all. I hate this world, yet it is my dwelling. Slowly moving towards death-release forevermore.
All purpose seems gone, an emotionless void. I wish blood covered my face and I was sick to the core. I am looking for a reason for self-destruction, yet I know of your Truth. The inner turmoil is causing an explosion of my heart. Realms of darkness beckon me to eternal pain, but I resist their empty voices, ringing with false lies.
Where do I go though? How can I cope with this loss? I know your love but I feel murdered inside. Release is what I crave and my spirit is waning. I know you love me but this hurts so much. I cannot walk, I cannot exist, I cannot carry on, only wallow in pain and self-pity. Carry me through, I have no strength, I collapse broken and lifeless, the blood of joy gushing from my throbbing veins...
Build me up, there is nothing left except the dark haze enveloping my senses. Voices bidding me to self-mutilation -the blade and candle craving so strong. Once more I ignore their hollow call, I just need to exist and cry out to my God. Wait for Him to carry me through, there must be light at the end of the tunnel...I am broken beyond human repair. My Lord you are all I have, make my hope complete...
As I wander through this dark winter night past times haunt me. Fear grips me, dread weighs heavily upon my soul and I feel crushed. Cold winds cut through my bleeding heart, a gaping sore stabbed with every memory. Yet in the stars and dark skies above I see your beautiful hand. I feel lost, with nowhere to go, then I remember your faithful promise .You are my Lord and one day I will walk with you, you will be my God. Embrace me Lord, hold me tight and never let me go, I cannot live without your touch, you are everything to me now .I am tired of this world of pain, I want to watch it all pass me by. I want to enter a realm where there is no hurt or loneliness. Let me wait with patience and long to make myself ready for our Wedding. Let me be your bride, pure and virgin white. Bring forth the Day of the Wedding, fulfill this covenant engagement you started when you called me - your sweet voice like healing to my soul.
As I wander through the cold of this dark night and gaze upon your creation my mind wanders once more to times of old. Your promise in my mind Your love heals my heart Your voice in my ear: "Never give up my dearly loved child, the Wedding is soon, the night is nearly over and I will return. I will hold you in my arms and wipe away all your tears. I will let nothing hurt you ever again. You will feel no more pain and I will live with you for all eternity. Hold on, the dawn is coming, the night is nearly over, hold on my child, I am with you always "
With this in mind I press onto gain the prize that has already been won for me. Christ is waiting to enter into the intimate relationship He died to make possible
( Revelation 19 v 6-9, 21 v 2, Isaiah 54 v 5-8, Hosea 2 v 19, Ephesians 5 v 23-32 )